“Some of the people you publicly call ‘BEST FRIEND’ are the reason your private problems are known by the whole world. Be careful who you share your sh/t with” – Lesego Maake
I once heard a guy telling his girlfriend that miscarriage is not the end of the world. “We will make another one my love. It wasn’t even a baby yet. When you are fine we will make love again and you will conceive. There is no need to cry over something that we will not reverse,” he said. According to him his words were of comforting nature. That is one thing men will never understand. To us women it does not only become a baby after birth, it is a baby the day I find out I am pregnant. It is not just something growing up in my womb, it is my baby. The pain of losing that baby is equally painful. I didn’t need a scientist to tell me what was going on when I saw blood coming from my underground structures, I knew I was going to lose the baby. I know it is not uncommon for women to bleed during pregnancy but I knew my bleeding was pregnant with bad news. Marcus went “oh no this cannot be happening hle batho ba Modimo!!! This poor kid just lost her husband. This is just too much for her. She does not deserve any of this”. The sangoma started making those scary noises that Nkabinde does on Isibaya. I was crying but tears were not coming out. I told my mom that I was dying. She asked Marcus to carry me to the car because I needed to be rushed to hospital. The sangoma told them that my problem didn’t need a hospital because I was bewitched. Luckily Marcus didn’t listen to her. I could see my mom was about to believe her nonsense. I have nothing against sangomas but I know many people who died after being misled by them. Marcus carried me to the car and they rushed me to hospital. It was the same hospital that JT was admitted at before my failed wedding. What we must appreciate about private hospitals is the quick way they render their service. Government hospitals can learn a thing or two from them. We know in government they can prioritise someone who broke her fake nail over someone who was involved in a fatal accident. The doctors and nurses could see I was in pain and they attended to me with the speed of paraffin. My mom told me I would be fine and I believed her.
I don’t know what they did to me but I lost my consciousness. When I regained strength to see what was around me I saw Marcus and my mom next to the bed. My mom looked like she had just lost a nice-dicked Venda man. Marcus was trying his best to be strong. It was at that stage that I knew something bad happened. I asked my mom what happened and she told me what I was not expecting to hear. It was even painful because the bad news was broken by my mom. I would have preferred a doctor or a nurse. My mom was a nurse but at that moment she was wearing a mother cap. I had a mild pain between my legs but it was better than the one I was feeling in my heart. Some things in life will convince you to believe that beautiful things are not meant for you. As if losing a husband was not enough, I lost the only thing that would be my connection to Mpho. My mom was crying more than me. I think she could see the emotional pain I was experiencing was unbearable. If I had means I would have committed suicide at that stage. The doctor entered the room and asked Marcus and my mom to leave. I asked him to scientifically explain to me why all bad things in the world happened to me. He looked at me and said “I had a chat with your mom earlier. You will need a good psychologist to help you go through everything. Your miscarriage was probably triggered by stress. We need to make sure your stress levels are controlled or else there will be more damage. You need to try to calm down”. I know he was doing his job but how can one calm down when they had just lost the love of their life and an unborn baby? There is no way you can be calm after going through what I went through. My life was just a mess and there was nothing anyone could do about that, not even the best psychologist in the whole world. I was born to suffer. I asked the doctor if he had any poison that he could use to kill me and he told me dying was not a solution to anything.
I spent few days in hospital. I was only discharged on Friday afternoon. The doctor recommended some psychologist based in Centurion and I promised to be in touch with him. In all the days I spent in hospital I couldn’t stop thinking about Mpho and his death. At night I had nightmares and during the day I was always thinking about him. Whenever I asked my mom about funeral arrangements she told me not to stress myself because that family didn’t care about me. Some people are ruthless. What kind of people block a wife of the deceased to attend his funeral? Sometimes black people can be full of unnecessary drama. It’s not like I wanted to bury Mpho in Limpopo. My mom carried my bag and we headed to her car. On our way went “you know, I have always wanted you to stay in Limpopo after matric. I knew Gauteng would not be good for you. How many girls from our street went to Gauteng and came back with degrees? Only two or three if not four. The rest come back with unfathered kids and phuza faces. Check the ones that went to University of Venda and University of Limpopo. All of them come back with degrees and diplomas. What do you have? You are not even 25 years yet but you are a widow for the second time. You have been more pregnant that I have been? This place is hell and I am not going to let you stay here. We are going back home together and it is not negotiable. I don’t want to lose my only daughter”. I understood where she came from but didn’t agree. There is nothing wrong with Gauteng if one has self-control. There are people from rural provinces who excelled at Gauteng universities. I wasn’t doing bad at varsity myself. I was just a victim of circumstances. I didn’t want to argue with my mom because I knew I wouldn’t win. I told her that I would go home permanently as soon as I was done with the psychologist the doctor recommended. Luckily she agreed because she knew it was important for me to have those sessions. She passed by McDonald’s at Nana Sita street to buy us some food. I didn’t even have an appetite to eat anything. I just wanted to cry myself to sleep. After buying food we headed straight to Phillip Nel.
There were two cars with the registration numbers of North West province at the gate. My mom went “I just hope it’s not those witches from North West. If it’s them I swear I will sleep in prison tonight”. I told my mom to calm down because we didn’t even know what those people wanted”. She parked the car outside the yard and we walked to the house. It was a bit difficult for me to walk because I still had some pains. When we got to the house we found six men and one lady sitting with Marcus drinking coffee. Only one of them looked familiar. I greeted them and headed upstairs. Few minutes later I heard my mom making noises. I think she was telling those people to leave because they caused pain to her family. I headed back downstairs to establish what was really happening. When I got there my mom had a knife in her hand and Marcus was busy trying to calm her down. I asked what was going on and one of the men told me they came to fetch me because I was their makoti. I felt my knees go weak. I went “what do you mean I am your makoti because your people kicked me out of my own house and told me to stay far from my own husband’s funeral? What game are you playing? Do you want to kill me?”. My mom escaped from Marcus’ grip and managed to sprint to one of the men and scratched his arm with a knife. She wanted to strike again but luckily the man ducked and she missed her target. The other guys stood up and helped Marcus to contain my mom. Ja neh, if you want to see how angry a mother can be mess with her children. My mom was like a possessed woman. As much as I didn’t condone what she did I understood why she did it. When everyone calmed down the man continued. “We understand so many things happened before and after the wedding and we know you are very angry. We know we insulted your family and we are here to apologise. We are literally family and it is not good for us to fight. Let us sit down and sort this as family”. Tears started flowing on my cheeks. When I needed them to be there for me they treated me like a dog. I stood up and showed them the door.
“Makoti, you don’t understand. There has been a mistake. What we mean is your …..”